Rating: R/NC-17ish for dark content, disturbing themes, sex...
Pairing: Matt x Sonny
Summary: Sonny finds out he’s adopted and wants to know the truth about his real parents…but would he better off psychologically if he never knew? He goes in search for the truth, his boyfriend, Matt by his side. Once he knows the truth, he must re-evaluate who and what he is, because he certainly can’t ignore what he’s found…after all; you can’t hide from the truth...
Disclaimer: NOT true. Happened in my head. Sonny gets along fine with his real and adoptive family and has known his real parents his whole life (just not that they were his parents)...I also believe he was younger when he found out about his adoption…? Moreover, the names of Sonny’s ‘real’ parents and family are made-up.
PART ONE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/3858.html
PART TWO: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/4210.html
PART THREE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/4598.html
PART FOUR: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5114.html
PART FIVE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5566.html
PART SIX: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5734.html
Author's Note: Please, please, please leave me comments, let me know what you think!! You don't know how happy it makes me! ^_^
“It’s none of your business,” Sharon asserts evenly. She is sitting on the couch with her hand resting on her stomach.
Jules stares at her, questioningly; a disgusted smile begins to form. “Oh my god.” He says, shaking his head, “You're pregnant, again.”
I am shocked. That is the last thing I had suspected. I look around the room. Matt’s eyes are wide. Gavin has sunk deeper into the couch, as if trying to disappear. And Patricia has a scornful smile. Ed has an arm around Sharon supportively. There is a silent tension in the air.
“You are.” Insists Jules.
Sharon says nothing.
“Is it the same father?” Patricia says mockingly. Still no answer.
Jules rolls his eyes. “Well, American Idol, let’s get on with the show. Who’s the winner or do I announce it?”
“You’d be so callous?” Sharon asks, one last plea to get Jules to reconsider.
“D’uh.” He retorts. She tosses her shoe at him. I giggle nervously.
“I’m in love with him.” Sharon says earnestly. She pauses looking down, “But…” she sighs; it must be hard for her to talk about. “But he is married.” She says quietly.
“Oh,” Says Patricia, “So you’re a home-wrecking whore, huh?”
“Patricia!” Ed scorns.
Jules laughs manically. I fail to understand the perverse joy he gets from her torment; yet in the same instant I’m glad he’s pursuing her. If he weren’t she’d never tell, and I feel like I have to know. By this point, I just wish she’d spit it out!
“That’s why I don’t want you to know!” Sharon yells. She looks directly at Jules. “You’d be willing to risk his marriage?”
“Me? I ain’t fuckin’ ‘im. You made your bed, now you sleep in it.”
“Bastard!” she shakes her head. She hugs her father.
“And you support her?” Patricia asks Ed. “Unbelievable.”
Jules raises his eyebrows. “Go ahead, Sharon tell us who Daddy is.”
I giggle, “Not your daddy, my daddy!” I say, smiling. Matt gives me a half-smile.
“Ed” she repeats. I stare blankly at her.
“They are Ed’s children and I love him!” Sharon insists, throwing herself unto her father.
“WHAT?!” I yell.
“Yep.” Jules affirms.
I look over towards Matt see the look on his face: pure and utter disgust. “That’s fucking nasty.” He says; his face contorted in nausea. I can’t believe what I’m hearing; my mother is my sister is my aunt; my father is my grandfather…that can’t be true! I look around the room in a panic.
“Bullshit.” Says Patricia. Jules hands her the blood tests. She opens the folder and stares. “How the hell…” She looks at Ed.
“Her mother took her to Texas; I never met her until she was eighteen. I fell in love with her before I knew she was my daughter.” Ed explains.
They are serious?! I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.
“That’s disgusting!” Patricia yells. She turns her fury on Jules, “And you?! You say nothing?!”
“And you,” he retorts, “You notice nothing.”
“Matt shakes his head, “Fucking sick. That’s fucking depraved.”
I am fucking sick. I am fucking depraved. I can’t take it anymore. I get up and run out of the house. I hear them yelling amongst themselves as I bolt.
I slam the door and run through the neighbors’ perfect yards. The beautiful day outside of the house betrays the dark contents. I don’t know were I’m going; I just run. I’ll know when I get there. I am crying now, tears obstructing my vision. Yet still, I run. I sprint into a patch of trees. I stumble on the roots, but I don’t fall, somehow I keep going. I dart through the seemingly endless woods, hoping to find something. I’m running out of breath now, but I don’t stop. My vision is getting blurrier; I vow not to stop until I collapse. I’m not even paying attention to where I’m running anymore.
I trip over a rather large root and tumble down an incline. I feel the rocks dig into my skin. I land at the bottom in a heap, jagged rocks surrounding me. I am bleeding, but not seriously injured. I feel water on my feet. I look up and see the tide pleasantly coming in. I must be on someone’s rocky, deserted, private beach. There’s just the drop and then the water, no room for much else.
I lay in the same position I fell, sobbing uncontrollably. Matt’s face is forever ingrained in my mind. I can hear his voice over and over saying, “You’re nasty. You’re fucking nasty.”
I cry harder. I realize I’ve ruined my life. Things will never be the same. I wish I had never come here! Matt will never love me again, not after this, and who could blame him? I’ve lost the love of my life, just because I had to know! I hate myself so much; I’ve never wanted to die more than right now. I scream in agony; and not because of any of the physical wounds…scars will heal, but memories last forever. I pound the ground with my fist, sobbing. Why am I so goddamn stupid? I am so worthless.
I realize I’m going to have to quit the band. Matt won’t want to ever see me again; neither will Travis or Derek. They’ll want to be rid of me. Matt isn’t going to want a constant reminder of incest staring at him, especially reminding him of all of the things he has done with me and to me sexually. He’s disgusted and repulsed. I don’t blame him.
Just a few days ago, my life was so perfect and now it’s gone. I’ve lost Matt, I’ve lost FFTL, and I’m probably gonna lose my adopted family, too. Not one wants a mistake like me.
I see the shimmer of my Aphex Twin necklace; the one a fan had given to me just days before. I remember her face and how happy see was to meet me. Then I imagine what she’d look like if she knew the truth about me. She'd be sickened. She wouldn’t think I’m so great anymore. I rip off the necklace and throw it into the ocean, for her sake. She wouldn’t want me to have that if she knew the truth.
But I can’t keep my thoughts away from the disgusted look on Matt’s face. I see it over and over in my mind. Each time my memory replays it, my heart breaks again. It hurts so much! It hurts so much to be alone. I am shattered.
I am alone now, completely. I am unwanted. I lay listlessly as the water touches my body. I look out to the sea. The waters are calm and clear. The sun is shining and there is a pleasant breeze. I feel as if nature is mocking me. I feel so sick from crying, from heartbreak, from everything. I want it all to fade away. I want to disappear.
Then I think of Gavin. This must be how he feels; how he’s felt his whole life. I cry for him, as well as for myself. No wonder he’s so obsessed with death, he has no reason to live! Then I feel a faint sparkle of hope: I’m not alone! I think about Gavin. We’re not alone; we have each other. That thought helps sedate me a little. I still can’t stop the tears from coming and I still cannot block Matt’s expression from my head. I still hear him over and over, “You’re fucking nasty.”
I wish I could live a lie again. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I never left. But most of all I wish I could just go back home. I’ll never get to hold Matt again. I’ll never be able to kiss his soft lips ever again. I’ll never be able to make love with him again. I’ll never be able to cuddle up next to him. And worst of all, I’ll never be able to hear him say, “I love you,” ever again. The only three words I’ll hear are “You’re fucking nasty.” I sob harder.
All I can think about is losing Matt. The veracity of the rest hasn’t even hit me yet. I almost wish I hadn’t brought Matt, but even if I’d come alone, I’d have to tell him, so I guess it doesn’t matter. I try my best to come to terms with losing him. I tell myself it will all be ok. I try to tell myself maybe he wasn’t ‘the one.’ My efforts fail to console me and I weep harder.
You have to deal with the reality; I tell myself. Matt’s the love of your life and you’ve lost him. Your own fault. Plain and simple. I’m still crying, it surprises even me how much I can cry. I’m starting to calm down a little; I have to stop crying a bit because it’s becoming hard for me to breathe. I take in deep breaths to try and steady myself. I sigh. I am silent for a moment listening to the waves. I lay in stillness staring ahead; I don’t care what happens to me now anymore. It doesn’t matter. I gaze into the distance.
I hear some movement above me. I hope no one bothers me. I hope it is just an animal. I lay still, my back toward the sound. I hear footsteps; someone is climbing down towards me. Part of me hopes it is a killer, the other part hopes it just disappears. I wait. A hand gently touches my shoulder. I turn slowly to face my accuser. It is Gavin.
“Hey,” he says softly. I wonder how he found me. I say nothing.
“I kinda followed you a little…I figured you’d want some time alone, but I didn’t want you to do anything drastic.” I nod. He picks me up and hugs me. I cry on his shoulders.
“I don’t understand…” I mumble.
“They’re just fucked up, Sonny.” He pauses, “But you can get away from here. You can just walk away. You have a decent family.”
“Walk away?!” I say, angered. “Yeah, okay, that’s easy, not like my…not like Matt will care, not at all! He’s not disgusted or anything!”
Gavin sighs. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, you have a future. You can—hell you are—making something of yourself, regardless of your family background. You are somebody. You can make thousands of people smile.”
“I can also prolly make them vomit.” I mutter.
He grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “Don’t give up, Sonny Moore, do you hear me?!” He shakes me to emphasize his point.
“It doesn’t matter…” I say.
“Don’t you dare give up now.” He insists.
“Why?” I ask. “Why do you care?”
“Because your my brother. Because you have friends, you have a family. You are loved and I don’t want you to throw that all away just because you have shitty parents! It’s not worth losing yourself over!”
“I’m a fucking incest thing!” I yell. “I’m gross. I shouldn’t exist. I should have died. I should’ve been born funky, hell maybe I was, I don’t know!” I exclaim.
“You and I have no defects. That’s why mom and dad feel their relationship is justified. She’s told me that. She has beautiful children.”
“I’m hideous.” I say.
“No, you’re not. Don’t beat yourself up. I know you’ve got people fighting over you every day.”
“Only ‘cause they don’t know.” I whisper, averting my gaze.
“If they don’t like you because of your parents, then they are just shallow people who aren't worth you're time anyways.”
“You don’t believe that.”
He looks down and replies quietly, “I’d like to.”
Tears fill my eyes again. I hug him and we both begin to sob. I can’t imagine having to deal with this my whole life. I’m almost glad I was adopted.
“I want you to be happy,” he says finally.
“I want you to be happy, too,” I say, a little bit confused.
“Promise me you won’t give up.”
“Promise me.” He says, grasping my hands.
“I promise,” I whisper.
“Good,” he smiles. “I just wanted to make sure, you’d be ok. I know you’re a strong kid.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m glad he came to talk to me. He has given me some hope. I want to believe what he says as much as he does. I know now that I can’t give up; I can’t disappoint him. So I smile, pushing all the agonizing thoughts from my mind. ‘It will be ok.’ I repeat in my mind over and over.
He gets up and starts to climb upward.
“Hey,” I mutter; I don’t want him to go.
“I can’t be a father to my brother, you know,” he mumbles and climbs up. I watch him disappear. I wasn’t asking him to act like my father; that comment pisses me off. I glare at the rocks where he was. Jerk. I fall back on the ground and look at the clouds.
Matt’s voice fills my head, “You’re fucking nasty,” A single tear falls from my eyes and I roll over.