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"Perceptions of Reality" (Part IX) - I have a story to tell from my electrical well

About "Perceptions of Reality" (Part IX)

Previous Entry "Perceptions of Reality" (Part IX) Aug. 22nd, 2006 @ 01:15 am Next Entry
“Perceptions of Reality” (Part IX)

Author: mcr_blue_canary
Rating: R/NC-17ish for dark content, disturbing themes, sex...
POV: Sonny’s
Pairing: Matt x Sonny
Summary: Sonny finds out he’s adopted and wants to know the truth about his real parents…but would he better off psychologically if he never knew? He goes in search for the truth, his boyfriend, Matt by his side. Once he knows the truth, he must re-evaluate who and what he is, because he certainly can’t ignore what he’s found…after all; you can’t hide from the truth...
Disclaimer: NOT true. Happened in my head. Sonny gets along fine with his real and adoptive family and has known his real parents his whole life (just not that they were his parents)...I also believe he was younger when he found out about his adoption…? Moreover, the names of Sonny’s ‘real’ parents and family are made-up.

PART ONE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/3858.html
PART TWO: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/4210.html
PART THREE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/4598.html
PART FOUR: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5114.html
PART FIVE: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5566.html
PART SIX: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/5734.html
PART SEVEN: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/6341.html
PART EIGHT: http://mcr-blue-canary.livejournal.com/6632.html

Author's Note: Please, please, please leave me comments, let me know what you think!! You don't know how happy it makes me! ^_^


I sit in the stillness of the evening, legs to my chest, head on my knees; crying. It all seems so hopeless now. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting here crying, but it is now starting to get dark. I clear my nose and look at the blanket. I shiver, remembering what lies underneath.
In a moment of clarity, I realize no one else knows about this yet. I should’ve called someone long ago! I curse my stupidity…but what could anyone have done anyway? I take my phone out of my pocket and stare at the numbers. I wipe the tears from my face and sigh. I pull out the antennae of the beaten phone. I have one bar. I take a deep breath and dial 9-1-1.
I pause as it rings in. A lady answers and asks what the emergency is.
“Um, I’m in Heaven’s Gate Cemetery where my brother shot himself…” I say, forcing back tears.
“Is he still alive, sir?”
“No.” I almost start to cry again.
“Did you see it happen?”
“We have an ambulance on its way, sir. Can you please stay on the line, so I can get your information….”
“Yeah…” I mumble and nod my head despite the fact that she can’t see me.
“Um, can I ask a favor?” I whisper.
“Go ahead.” She prompts me. I ask her if Gavin can be taken to St. Bethany’s hospital, which is where Jules works. I also request she page Jules. She says that she will.
I stay on the line and tell her what happened. I tell her everything. I tell her about the family, about the incest, about Gavin’s abuse and about his suicide. It feels good to tell someone, and she listens patiently to me. By now, I'm crying and it is somewhat hard for her to understand me. She tries to calm me down and get me to repeat thing in a clearer voice. I try my best.
Soon, I hear the ambulance and I see the flashing lights.
“I think…" I clear my nose. "I think they’re here…” I tell her.
“That’s good,” she says soothingly, “I’ll let you go now. Be strong, all right?”
“Yeah, thanks.” I mumble and hang up the phone.
The ambulance pulls into the cemetery and I stand up. I take one last look at the blanket before running down the hill towards the paramedics. I’m shaking as I run. I wave my arms so that they see me. Several doctors, two of which carry a stretcher, run towards me. The distance isn’t that far, but I’m out of breath.
I wave my hand, motioning them to follow me as I run back up toward the grave. They follow. When I get back to the blanket, tears again overwhelm me. I lean against a nearby tree sobbing. I can't say anything; I just cry.
One of the doctors lifts up the blanket and looks underneath. He replaces the sheet and nods to another doctor, apparently to signify that Gavin is dead. The two of them pick up Gavin’s body, blanket still on top. They put him on the stretcher and carry him to the ambulance. Another doctor comes up to me to ask me questions. I tell him everything I told the lady over the phone. I'm still crying, and he does his best to understand what I'm saying. As I ramble, we walk towards the ambulance together. He puts an arm around me and I sob; finishing my tale.
“Do you want a ride to the hospital?” he asks. I nod. I climb into the ambulance with them. I stare at all the equipment inside. All the equipment in the world can’t save Gavin, not now. I couldn’t save him. No; I didn’t save him. I wish I had done something. I stare blankly at the other side of the ambulance. All I can think of is how useless I am. Why couldn’t I have done something? Why didn't I? Why did he have to die? But...the wheels were already set in motion before I got here…I wonder if there was anything I could have done…
The ambulance comes to a stop, and I’m shaken from my thoughts.
“We’re here, kid…” I hear one of the doctors say. I nod mindlessly and jump out of the ambulance. I watch as they take away Gavin. Or what’s left of Gavin, anyway. They’re probably taking him to the morgue. I cringe. He's really gone.
“Let’s give you a check-up while you’re here.” A doctor says.
“Um, could you have Dr. Jules Legarde come down to do it?” I ask. “He works here.” I add stupidly.
“I will page him for you.” The doctor tells me, “Until then, you wait here.” He leads me to the waiting room. This is the second time today I’ve sat in this room waiting for Jules. Except now I’m alone. I think of Matt. It still hurts when I think about him, especially that disgusted look he had on. “You’re fuckin’ nasty.”
I sigh and stare at the ground. I miss Matt. I miss Gavin. Isn’t it amazing how people you only know for a couple hours can change your life forever? I’ll never be the same. I wish I hadn’t come here, yet, at the same time, I’m glad I got to know Gavin before he died. A few tears fall from my eyes. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore.
I see Gavin’s corpse again in my mind. I shake my head to clear the image. I hear Matt. I shake my head again, only more violently this time. All I can think of is rejection. I try to focus on something else. Nothing comes to my mind. I try harder. I imagine Matt and I together at the hotel. I imagine him kissing me and then plunging a knife into my chest with a smile. I burst into tears. But if I am to die soon, I hope it is Matt who takes my life.
Footsteps interrupt my thoughts. I look up and see Jules. He sits beside me and wraps an arm around me.
“Are you okay? I heard what happened…”
“NO!” I scream. “Am I okay? Are you crazy?!” I stare at him angrily.
“I’m sorry, Sonny. I didn’t know that Gavin would…”
“You didn’t care! You never even tried to help him!” I shout.
He glares at me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, boy.”
“Then why?” I sob, “Why did he have to die?”
“I…I…don’t have an answer, Sonny, I’m sorry. I’ve already had Sharon and Ed arrested…”
“That does a lot of good now. They’ve already killed him.”
Jules nods, squeezing me. “His parents wouldn’t let him live with me…” he whispers.
“Oh.” I say, a little ashamed I yelled at him.
“It was a mess.” He said, “A big mess.” He turns to me and hugs me. “Don’t cry,” he tells me, stroking my hair. I end up crying on his shoulder. I don’t want to move. I don’t feel I have the strength to do so anyway. I feel lethargic. Jules lets me cry on him for a while; I suspect he is crying, too.
Finally, he pulls me away and asks, “Do you need a check-up?” I shake my head no. He nods. “Wait right here.” He says and walks out. I watch him leave and stare at the door. I wonder where he went. I hope he isn't planning on giving me a check-up anyway...
I get up and walk over to the soda machine. I haven’t had a drink all day. I rout through my pockets and pull out some change. I get myself a Diet Coke. I open the bottle and take a nice long drink. It feels refreshing. I sit back down to wait. As I wait, I stare at the bottle. I read the nutrition information mindlessly.
It isn’t long before Jules is back. I look up at him as he walks in.
“Come on,” he says, gesturing at me to get up. I walk over to him. “Let’s go.”
“Where?” I ask.
“Where are you staying?” he responds.
I tell him the name of the hotel. I wonder if Matt is still there…
“I’ll take you there, then.” Jules says. I nod. We exit the hospital. It is dark and the night air is cool. I follow Jules to his car. He unlocks the doors and we climb inside.
Once inside, he turns to me.
“I got you something.” He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a vile of pills. He hands them to me. “You’ll need these.”
I look at the bottle. “What are they?” I ask.
“They’re anti-anxiety/anti-depressants. Very effective. Best kind you can get.”
“Ok.” I mumble. I open the bottle and take out a pill. I pop it in my mouth and swallow it with my Coke. I hope it works. Or that it kills me. Either one. We spend the rest of the ride in silence. I know nothing else to say. I am fairly sure that I’ll never see any of them ever again, and that doesn’t bother me at all.
“Here we are.” Jules says as he pulls into the hotel parking lot.
“Thanks.” I mutter.
“Good luck, and don’t forget to take your pills!” he says, ever the doctor.
“Ok.” I get out of the car and close the door. I walk inside as Jules pulls away.
“Hello, sir!” the lady behind the counter cheerfully greets me. I want to hurt her. I say nothing and go into the elevator. I am glad Matt gave me a copy of the hotel key. I sigh aloud. I wonder what awaits me in the room. I stare at the ceiling of the elevator, willing it to collapse. I arrive safely on the seventh floor. Curses.
I walk slowly towards our room. I get to the door and take a deep breath. I put my key into the slot and turn. The door opens. I peek inside.
“What the fuck you want? Who the hell’s there?” I hear a man yell. The light flips on and I’m greeted by a man I’ve never seen before. He is tall and built. There is also a young woman there.
“Hi, I’m Sonny Moore,” I say awkwardly, “and I’m looking for Matt Good…”
“Well, he ain’t here,” the man responds harshly, “And how the fuck did you get a key to my room?”
“Well,” I say, slightly angered, “It was my room earlier today…”
“And it ain’t now!” He shouts.
“Then where’s Matt?” I shout back.
“How the fuck do I know, you little shit! Get the hell outta my room!” He advances toward me.
“Then where’s my stuff, huh?” I ask, belligerently.
“It’s not here, dumbass. I wouldn’t stay in a room with someone else’s shit around!”
I look around the room for my stuff, just in case.
“Out!” the guy yells. He grabs the key from my hand.
“Fuck you!” I retort, angrily. Big mistake. The guy punches me in the right eye, knocking me backwards. I sprawl on the ground as he looks down at me, an evil smile on his face. I hear the woman laughing.
“That outta teach you to run your mouth,” he says. I spit on the carpet and stand up. This only serves to infuriate him more and he punches at me again. I dodge it this time. Then he grabs my left arm and twists it. I scream in agony. He gives me a final punch to my mouth and throws me in a heap out in the hallway.
I'm an idiot. I lay there for a moment, in pain. I can’t open my right eye. I can also taste my own blood. Again I spit. I wipe my face and stand up. I rub my arm as I walk towards the elevator. Once inside the elevator, I begin to cry furiously. Matt left me. That single realization hurts more than all my body’s wounds. First, Gavin left me, and now Matt.
I exit the elevator and stare at the clerk. I debate asking her about Matt, but decide against it. She wouldn’t know, and even if she did it’d prolly be against company procedure to tell me. I go outside into the darkness. I stare at the lights around me. I have no idea what to do. I walk to the sidewalk and sit down. I let the tears flow freely from my eyes.
Soon the cold wind gets to me, and I huddle myself into a little ball on the sidewalk. I’m still sobbing. I realize how miserable and pitiful I must look. I also realize no one cares. No one bothers me. They merely walk around me as if this were an everyday occurrence. I’m glad they don’t bother me, but at the same time I’m saddened that no one cares. This must be how Gavin felt…
I sigh and try to pull myself closer together. Might as well try and sleep. I am so tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep. My mind is full of haunting images. I lay there, my head resting on the cool pavement, for what seems like an eternity before sleep finally finds me.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: techno
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Date:August 22nd, 2006 01:32 pm (UTC)
:'( that made me sad,poor sonny
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